Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Dark Seduction by Brenda Joyce (audio)

Book Description:
Highland warriors sworn to protect innocence through the ages...

Malcolm of Dunroch is a newly chosen Master, a novice to his extraordinary--and dangerous--powers. But he has already broken his vows--and a young woman's death is on his hands. Malcolm is determined to fight his darkest desires, denying himself of all pleasure...until fate sends him another Innocent, the beautiful bookseller Claire Camden.

Since her mother's murder, Claire has done everything possible to make a safe, secure life for herself in a city where danger lurks on every street corner, especially in the dark of night. But nothing can prepare her for the powerful and sexual medieval warrior who sweeps her back into his time--a treacherous, frightening world where the hunters and the hunted are one and the same. Claire needs Malcolm to survive, yet she must somehow keep the dangerously seductive Master at arm's length. For Malcolm's soul is at stake--and fulfilling his desires could prove fatal...

Reader beware - strong use of outrage and sarcasm ahead!

Have you ever come across a book that is just so God awful you can't even begin to list all the horrendous things about it? That's how I feel about this book. Classified as a paranormal highland romance it was excruciating to listen to - if I had been reading it, instead of listening to it, I would have tossed it after the prologue. For one thing, the woman narrator was absolutely horrendous! She made me despise the heroine, Claire. Then, every time she did the male Scottish voices (which weren't too bad, but over the top) and had them say "lass" (which happens a lot) it sounded more like "lusssssssssssssssssss" (not to be confused with when they say, "I lusssssst for ye!") It got old real fast.

My car has been in the shop for a month (yes, a friggin' month!) and I left my Dragonfly in Amber CD in it, so I downloaded this book thinking it would help me while away the time commuting in my loaner - well, it was endless! I couldn't wait for it to get over with, and didn't want to chuck it since I used up one of my precious Audible points for it! Sheer torture, but at the same time, it was amusing to see just how much worse this book could get - and believe me, it really got worse and worse!

The author of this book could give lessons on how to write in superlatives. Everything was the greatest, the sexiest, the biggest, the scariest thing this heroine had ever seen in her entire life! Oh my God, this was repeated so many times I was outwardly groaning over and over at how horrible the prose was - and just plain bad writing! And then, although this heroine was a modern day woman swept back in time to the 15th century, she never spoke in contractions! "Malcolm, I can not" "You can not." "We can not..." Uggh, just once I wanted her to say "can't", "won't" "couldn't" - anything!" Who really talks that way? And the narrator's voice was so flat and wooden and emotionless - I felt like slapping her!And the heavy breathing during the pauses! *choke*

But back to Claire herself...

One minute Claire boasts on how fit and buff she is from all her kickboxing classes -she can beat anyone up - she's tough with her weapons and guns. Then in the next paragraph she talks about how much of a wuss she is and she's boo-hooing all over the place! Another thing that I couldn't stand? Throughout the whole time she's riding around the Scottish countryside she is wearing cowboy boots, a bluejean miniskirt and a thong! A thong! And the hilarious thing is Malcolm, her sexy Master Highlander who is so attracted to her for some reason, refers to her skirt as "the rag." Or was he talking about the thong? Yecch! Claire was so unappealing, yet every man that met her "wanted her." And she was just so annoying! Every woman she met, she'd instantly think Malcolm was sleeping with her - constantly jumping to the wrong conclusion and making a fool of herself. I can't stand these types of heroines, I really can't.

Don't even get me started on the the sex descriptions which were trite and blecchy! No imagination in them, just really, really stupid - I can't even begin to repeat the descriptions except that they were all over the top and embarrasingly bad! Not sexy, just raunchy and stressing how big and engorged and swollen everything was - and every encounter was super orgasmic - ugghh! No chemistry, no romance, just wham bam thank you ma'am - starting in the convoluted and confusing prologue! If I recall correctly after one such scene, it morphs into the next paragraph by saying (I'm paraphrasing here):

After performing oral sex on Claire, Malcolm got up from the bed leaving her in a hazy mist of unmitigated bliss.
Now is it just me, or does that just sound a bit - abrupt? And couldn't she have had a more romantic way of putting it or describing "oral sex" without saying oral sex? So romantic and sexy!

The gist of the story is this girl Claire meets these oversexed Masters in medieval Scotland who are sworn to save the innocents (whatever that means). Every one is super good looking, one even described as looking just like Matthew McConaughey. They all have supernatural powers and if they are hurt, they must have sex, sex, sex to power up again, yet they kill and take the life of who they are having sex with (at least the ones that give into the evil dark side of their powers). At least their partners die of pleasure with a smile on their face - arrrgh! It was so dumb! Claire meets Malcolm, but they have relationship problems - namely, how can he have sex with her without killing her? Gee, what a predicament, not your average every day couples problem, though she treats it like it is! She was mind numblingly too stupid to live - frankly I wanted her dead to end my suffering.

Do yourself a favor - run away from this book! Don't read it, it was probably the worst thing I could have bought, I had no idea - if only I'd read the reviews on audible before downloading it! Beware! Never again! *I'm dancing that I finally finished it and don't have to listen to this tripe ever again!* I learned a big lesson about what I buy now! I've heard Brenda Joyce's historicals are good and this venture into paranormal is not like her other books, but I've been so traumatized by this one, it will take a lot to get me to read another book by her.

I give it a whopping 1/2 a star out of 5.


Alaine - Queen of Happy Endings said...

WOW will definately steer clear! Sounds awful, thanks for the honesty!

Julie at Outlandish Dreaming said...

Alaine - thanks, I felt guilty writing up this review, but I just couldn't stay silent - it was so bad! Maybe, it's just me, but I really haven't the patience for this kind of thing, there are too many good books I could have listened to instead, I'm just angry I wasted my time on this one!

VampFanGirl said...

LOL Julie! Your review was awesome!

Yuck, what an idiotic book. Don't worry, I'll not be troubling myself with this one at all. Thanks the warnings. I certainly enjoyed reading them.

:) VFG

Julie at Outlandish Dreaming said...

VFG - thanks, I know I came down really hard on this book, but I think the recording of it was so damn awful, it really ruined this book for me (although the plot was so outlandish, nothing could have saved it!)

Lea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lea said...

Wow, um Wow... That bad eh?

Yeah I know, painful isn't it Julie. I've been there and done that. I don't listen to audio books because I can't (oops I used a contraction) concentrate on the narrative.

I recently read a paranormal about a girl who was a virgin and meets this vamp in what I think was a bordello, although I'm not really sure. There was a bar and rooms upstairs where ::clears throat:: folks went to do whatever. It seems this female wanted to lose her virginity to this vampire, however I was never sure why.

They did go up to this room and there was sex, oh and sex toys in a cupboard.

And, that was it! Yes, ma'am published and sold by an author who supposedly writes very good books. Scary eh?

The thing is with a book like the one you reviewed is that you keep thinking it has to get better, but it NEVER does.

Thank you for the great, entertaining review. I too will take a pass on "Dark Seduction". I liked "Now is it just me, or does that just sound a bit - abrupt?" Ah, yes. It also sounds like the author used some interesting euphemisms.

By the way Julie, if you would like me to enlarge your blog to 3 columns, just e-mail me at i_love_my_kiera@yahoo.ca. I'm happy to lend a hand (that’s if you want it - lol).

Blodeuedd said...

Cowboy boots, a bluejean miniskirt and a thong!...yeah has she been to Scotland?
Oh and that sex scene made me laugh, omg, I love your review! So funny cos the books sounds so idiotic.

I will stay clear with everything I got.

Julie at Outlandish Dreaming said...

Lea, thanks yes I'll email you tonight after work about the 3 columns. And also thanks for reminding me, the word is - contractions! I knew I put that wrong. Yes, I kept the thinking the book would get better - nope, never did, even the ending was just the stupidest. The only redeeming factor in this book were some of the side characters - some of the other Highland hotties that were friends of Malcolm (Malcolm was the most boring of them all - no personality, a dull boy.)

Blodeuedd - thanks, yes the miniskirt and thong got me. Malcolm would wrap a plaid around her to keep her warm and cover her a bit, but mostly she was always wearing this outfit underneath for 2 weeks (the span of the timeline in the book.) So ridiculous! Couldn't someone, somewehre in all the castles and abbeys she visited get her something decent to wear??

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